Forgotten fic for kuruk?

[pseudogeek]

I forgot to post a copy here it seemed. Now it's here.


Title: Everstone
Fandom: Pokemon gameverse
Characters/Pairings: Kanto OT3
Rating: PG-13?
Genre: Whatever kuruk's stray italian greyhound is.
Note: A thank-you gift for kuruk for his fic stray italian greyhound. (Not beta'd.) It was supposed to be a remix, but looks like it's not.



The sudden vanishment of sunlight puzzled him. Red looked up, expecting a cloud. The object above him was nearly perfectly spherical. It was lowering on him.


"Red!" A female voice shouted from the floating object. Leaf.

"...?" Red tried to reply. The silence conveyed his thoughts as well as words.

"Yes! And Green's here too! Look!" She pulled Green out from behind her. He didn't look too well. Maybe he wasn't used to slow flying?

"What's that look, Red? I'm not acrophobic! It's the cold! This crazy woman dragged me along without letting me get my coat first and I'm freezing!" Green breathed into his hands for warmth before adding: "Only a monster like you can fucking stand in a fucking blizzard in a fucking short-sleeved jacket."


Red smiled. "... ............. .....?" He asked. This time Leaf had a bit of trouble, so she looked at Green for translation.

"He asked where are we going this time." Green translated. "And if he can bring his Pokemon. He didn't like the last time we went to a human-only park. It was discrimination. And emotionally crippling."


Turned out that yes, Red was allowed to bring his Pokemon. First they gave Red a shower because he hadn't got one in weeks, unless snow and ice falling on him counted. Green and Leaf were naked when they had the shower. Because Red was a healthy teenager, he couldn't help but looking at Leaf's chest area, earning him more than one dirty look from Green.

"......., ..........? ..................!" Red protested.

Green replied with a handful of gestures.

Leaf gave them a look that accused them of leaving her out. The boys quickly apologized.


With that done, they went to a restaurant where both Pokemon and Humans could eat on the same table. Bulbasaur ate its meal with knife and fork using its vine whips, making Pikachu and Eevee jealous. Pikachu proceeded to eat with a spoon while Eevee, being the Pokemon of a trainer who loved to show-off, used chopsticks with her paws.


The trainers, after laughing at the competition between their partners, flirted with each other by stealing each other's food. It was a three-way food stealing contest.


Stomach full, they went to the place they planned to go. It was a lake-side beach. Not a sand beach, but a shingle beach armoured with pebbles and cobbles.

"Do you know why I chose this place?" Leaf said. "Because this is where everstones can be found. They look like normal stones, except that they are warm to the touch even after the heat absorbed from the sun waned out."

"So you brought us here to collect stones?" Green protested. He didn't like to be a girl, especially Leaf's, accessory.

"Uh-uh. It's a contest. The first to find an everstone gets a kiss." Leaf said, her lips smooth and beautiful. "But before that, don't forget the sunscreen! The deadline for this contest is the sunset."


It wasn't easy. Leaf looked much more experienced than them at this. The beach was full of stones and they were all heated by the sun. A smarter way to do was to wait till night to find them, but the time limit didn't allow it, forcing them to hold a stone inside their hand and wait. Leaf somehow could differenciate the heat between sun-heat and everstone-heat, letting her know only by one touch. Green had no idea. He even tried to hold multiple cobbles at the same time. Red, on the other hand, didn't seem to be interested and instead of sorting stones he was rolling his pikachu on the beach. Green sneered at him. How could he, giving up a challenge?


"Found it!"


It was Red who said that. The other two looked up in surprise. Leaf tested Red's find. Genuine everstone.

"H-how did you do that?" Leaf couldn't help but ask.

"Pikachu did it." Red said, pointing at the proud pikachu on his shoulder. "I figured that since everstone is a stone that affects Pokemon, then Pokemon must be able to feel its energy. So I just rolled Pikachu around until he felt a feeling that told him to stay small forever."

Leaf stayed speechless for a minute. Then her face softened and told red: "Silly. Then Pikachu had won the contest. Not you."


And despite the protest that Pikachu was like part of Red anyway, Leaf gave Pikachu a kiss on the cheek and none for the boys.


But when the night fell and the Pokemon were asleep, Leaf decided to reward them anyway, because they were, after all, all part of each other, therefore everybody won. They received more than a kiss. The room they rented had only a double bed and a single bed. They tried to fit on the double bed and when it didn't work they pushed the single next to it. It fit this time. They slid under the bed sheets and spent the night in love.



Post-fic notes: The beds were meant to mirror their relationship (too often 2+1 rather than 3). The search for everstone was a metaphor for searching something constant between them, and turned out it's Pokemon (kind of obvious). I added dialogues this time, so I hope it's better than my last fic (the faun one).



Now I feel that my fic might be mushy too. This is so hard.

Comments

Fittingly, I was listening to "Stray Italian Greyhound" when I saw this

[kuruk]

I happened to read this post before finding this one, so I'm going to try and make this as constructive as possible. You also mentioned how you're lacking a friend that pushes you as a writer, so I'm going to try and take that role now by emulating my friend.

--"Red!" A female voice shouted from the floating object.

Since "shouted" is a dialogue tag, the sentence directly following "Red!" should be seen as a continuation of the dialogue. The only time you would capitalize the sentence after a piece of dialogue is if you're describing an action that has nothing to do with what the character said (ex: "It's really bright." Leaf squinted her eyes).

You mentioned in that post that people have criticized your work by saying that they don't know who's speaking. Dialogue tags can get tedious and boring after a while, and while you can certainly establish an order and forego them completely, you can get creative by implementing something to liven up the conversation and make the flow of dialogue less confusing. A way you can tell the audience who is speaking without using dialogue tags is to describe actions that the character takes before, after, or while speaking.

For example:

Lyra giggled. "You're too cute."

"What!?" Silver seemed to be choking on his own spit.

And using pronouns when possible. It might be difficult since there are two boys, but since Leaf is the only female you can forego saying "Leaf" all the time and put some female pronouns into the mix.

Also, I never figured out what the floating object was?

--"...?" Red tried to reply.

I'm a bit torn about this. I realize that you're making a reference to how Red's dialogue consists of a series of ellipses in HG/SS, but this looks a bit awkward in a narrative. I think it would be better to convert this to something like, "Red tries to reply, but found that the words stuck to the swollen walls of his throat."

--"Yes! And Green's here too! Look!" She pulled Green out from behind her. He didn't look too well. Maybe he wasn't used to slow flying?

Paragraphs in narratives fulfill the role of keeping separate actions apart. Here, there are two sets of actions being described in a single paragraph, which can be confusing. The first is Leaf speaking and pulling Green out from behind her. The second is the narrator (and since the narration is third person limited, the reader is right to assume that the narrator is Red-centric) describing how Green looks. Basically, it would be best to separate that paragraph to highlight the different actions.

Before I move on, I should also mention that this can get tricky. Stylistic concerns can sometimes overrule this. For example, if you're writing a long dialogue of, say, Lyra confessing her feelings to Silver or something, you may want to have a break in Lyra's dialogue to show how Silver reacts to what she's saying. While this is not necessarily correct and would be better suited to separate paragraphs, you can make it so that it's borderline correct by describing Silver's reactions in light of Lyra observing him.

For example:

Lyra sighed resignedly. "I've been feeling this way for a long time. Ever since we battled Lance and Claire at the Dragon's Den, and you looked so - so happy after we won. Together." She observed how Silver's pallid skin tone was reddening. "Yeah, Silver. Together."

"Y-you're an idiot," Silver hissed.

--Green breathed into his hands for warmth before adding: "Only a monster like you can fucking stand in a fucking blizzard in a fucking short-sleeved jacket."

When making the dialogue tag precede a piece of dialogue rather than follow it, you should use a comma. So...

Green breathed into his hands for warmth before adding, "Only a monster..."

Though that in of itself can be a bit weird. You technically don't need the "before adding" part, as it's clear from the preceding section of dialogue that it is Green who is breathing into his hands, therefore, that Green is saying this.

--Red smiled. "... ............. .....?" He asked. This time Leaf had a bit of trouble, so she looked at Green for translation. / "He asked where are we going this time." Green translated. "And if he can bring his Pokemon. He didn't like the last time we went to a human-only park. It was discrimination. And emotionally crippling."

Applying the points I made, you can modify this into...

Red smiled and spoke in garbled syllables, his voice hoarse.

This time Leaf had a bit of trouble understanding him, however, so she looked to Green for help with the translation.

"He asked where are we going this time," Green said....

I think you probably get the idea now, so I'll stop addressing similar concerns.

--Turned out that yes, Red was allowed to bring his Pokemon.

This seems fragmentary, and the syntax is a bit awkward. By starting with "Turned out," an action, and omitting a subject, you leave things unresolved. What turned out? By making a modification, you can avoid this issue.

It turned out that Red was allowed to take his pokémon to their destination after all.

--First they gave Red a shower because he hadn't got one in weeks, unless snow and ice falling on him counted. Green and Leaf were naked when they had the shower. Because Red was a healthy teenager, he couldn't help but looking at Leaf's chest area, earning him more than one dirty look from Green.

This... kind of... okay.

In regards to this scene, I have to invoke the whole "show and not tell" thing. It's a scene that should be highly sensual in nature; three people who have unresolved feelings for one another are now taking a shower together. The way you described it was kind of Spartan and had a strange comedic effect instead. Instead of being a really immersive scene brimming with emotion, it felt like a list of what was happening. 1) Green and Leaf were naked, 2) Red looked at Leaf's breasts because he couldn't help it, 3) Green was jealous and glared at Red. I mean, I get that humor was what you were going for in this fic, but it felt a bit inauthentic given the context.

Also, I should point out that when I use the word "sensual" I am not necessarily referring to something of a "sexual" nature. When I use this word I mean something associated with sensation (which is a whole other conversation I had with Lin about how "sensual" is always misconstrued as "sexual" when it really means imagery that is associated with the five senses). I'm only pointing this out because I was under this misconception myself; who knows? It might be unnecessary. :)

--Bulbasaur ate its meal with knife and fork using its vine whips, making Pikachu and Eevee jealous. Pikachu proceeded to eat with a spoon while Eevee, being the Pokemon of a trainer who loved to show-off, used chopsticks with her paws.

This reinforces the idea that you were going for a comedic effect throughout the fic....

--Stomach full, they went to the place they planned to go.

The narration is referring to Red, Green, Leaf, and their pokémon. That's plural. So when you use the word "stomach," it's almost like you're saying that all of these beings have one collective stomach, which is weird. Maybe change to:

With their stomachs filled, they went to the destination they had originally planned to visit.

--He didn't like to be a girl, especially Leaf's, accessory.

The syntax here feels awkward.

He didn't appreciate being any girl's accessory, though this applied to Leaf most intensely.

Which is also a bit awkward. Gah.

--Then her face softened and told red: "Silly. Then Pikachu had won the contest. Not you."

Capitalize "red," since you're referring to the character. Replace the colon with a comma if you want to put the dialogue tag before the dialogue. Also, change your phrasing. The way it is now makes it seem like Leaf's face is telling Red something, not Leaf herself. The conjunction makes it so, as you went from describing the action of softening to speaking. Make sure to specify "she" or "Leaf" before going into the dialogue.

--But when the night fell and the Pokemon were asleep, Leaf decided to reward them anyway, because they were, after all, all part of each other, therefore everybody won. They received more than a kiss. The room they rented had only a double bed and a single bed. They tried to fit on the double bed and when it didn't work they pushed the single next to it. It fit this time. They slid under the bed sheets and spent the night in love.

This also suffered from the same problem that the shower scene did. This is the realization of their feelings and what can be construed as the climax of the fic! Yet it's "telling" and not showing, and your aversion of the sensual aspects of sex give this a rather childish tone. This is removed from the comedic tone you were going for with the pokémon using utensils, which seemed more like magical realism than anything else. When you describe sex in a childish tone, it just doesn't come off right (at least most of the time, as there are exceptions to the rule). Here it just felt naïve and inauthentic, and the story would stand to benefit from a modification in which they just fall asleep together or something.

--General comments:

I feel like the characters had much more potential for depth, especially Leaf. She seemed to be more of an object of desire and contention between the boys than a unifying agent, which I sense is the role you were hoping to assign her.

I would also incorporate dividers for scene breaks, as I was rather confused as to what constituted a shift in scene. You don't need actual dividers per se, just be consistent in how you space things so that the reader can tell that one space signifies a different paragraph in the same scene while two spaces signify a new scene entirely.

Also, I noticed from your other post where you mentioned that you worried that people wouldn't catch your symbolism or allusions. The truth is a lot of people won't. It's hard to assign blame in this matter, because it's attributable to both the writer for making a vague reference and the reader for not picking up on it. But I digressed. My point is that if people don't pick up on your figurative language, they're the ones missing out on the extra depth it gives to the piece. It also falls upon them to notice it; if you clarify what you meant by a certain device, it loses its power. Reading fiction is a subjective exercise, and while it's your prerogative if you want to include figurative language (and you should), it's also the reader's right to decide how to perceive things. If you're outright asked, "What did you mean by ___?" or are criticized, then offer your reasoning. If not, I believe you should leave it to the reader to figure out. So yeah. Don't worry about; it's part of being a writer.

All in all, thank you for writing this. I appreciate the effort you put into it, and I hope that you benefit from what I've said. It was not my intention to be harsh or critical for its own sake, but because constructive criticism really helps in bettering one's writing abilities. I have benefitted from the concrit you leave me on my fics, and I was hoping to return the favor.

Re: Fittingly, I was listening to "Stray Italian Greyhound" when I saw this

[pseudogeek]

Wow, thank you, this is exactly what I need. It must have taken you a lot of time to write this. And you're not harsh at all. You are pointing to the facts and addressing to them as what they are, or at least what you see, not as some who would just point at a passage, call it names and leave it. You've explained exactly why you think they are bad.

The '... .....' like language of Red wasn't unformed words, they were his own non-verbal language. It consists of mouthing silence and some other movements. I learned it from my parrot. I have decided to type it down as ellipses because describing the movements would drag the perceived time too long. I should have made this clear in the fic.

I tried to keep the ambience childish in order to convey that they are still children in a way, to create a sort of present-past overlap. However, it appeared that I have completed missed that, fell off a cliff and landed in a junk pile with a dozen of dislocations and broken bones. It's something that some had told me before, that I describe everything like naming a list of items placed on a table. It messes up the ambience by not just a little bit.

No, this fic wasn't one where I tried to explore depth, it was one where I tried to paint a crayon drawing of them. To do depth I must learn how to do subtle first.

Shift... I need to learn to work with that. It's strange how Terry Pratchett can make the readers know exactly there the divisions are despite not using visible spacing, dividers or even chapters. But he's a professional.

Re: Fittingly, I was listening to "Stray Italian Greyhound" when I saw this

[pseudogeek]

As for symbolism, there are the ones where the readers will want to figure it out, and the ones where the readers are put off by it and don't want to figure it out. And those that just look like background, where the readers want to figure them out only on the re-read.

So yes, it falls upon them to notice it, but it also falls upon the writer to make them noticeable or not.

[littlelinor]

One thing that came to me while reading Kuruk's concrit is that I didn't notice the colon before the quotation marks, and I think I know why: it's a French punctuation convention and not an English one, you might have been influenced on that one.

I personally liked Red's silences, but the fact that he suddenly starts talking feels strange. It doesn't necessarily mean you need to explain why, but maybe show the difference a bit more between the moment where he doesn't care as much if others understand him (namely Leaf) and the moments where he makes himself understood clearly.
Also to avoid using the ellipsis maybe think about a way to transcribe what you were describing about nonverbal language into writing? You could allude to it, instead of making explicit (though I guess it would be easier from Leaf's point of view than Red's, since she's the one who sees it and doesn't get it)

As for the ending, you could go into something sensual, without needing to be outright sexual, to ease the reader into that act of love, rather than just say it in two words (it feels anticlimatic)

This is of course concrit, overall I liked it. I think characterisation in particular? I kind of got the feeling of 2+1 that you were trying to bring, though it wasn't clear in my head until you wrote about it and I went "aha that's what that feeling was".

[pseudogeek]

Oh, that was why.

I'm also confused with the plural/singular of a noun when it's one per person. If I'm not mistaken, in French, it's singular, like in «Ils ôtent leur châpeau de la main gauche.» but it's plural in English?

(It's not here, but in French we can accorder verbs in plural if the subjet is unusual/is the focus even if its core is a collective noun thus singular. «Une nuée de chauves-souris arrivent et dévorent le requin.» as opposed to the usual «Une nuée de moustiques inpire la peur chez les touristes.» Can we do that in English?)

Yes, I will try to find a way to translate nonverbal into words. The problem I have with Red is that I fail to see him doing this and if I do, I still don't know which parts are significant. So I got lazy and used '....' knowing that it's somewhat canon too.

I can see my original characters' non verbal languages (Alexis does it all the time), but "imported" characters are not so obvious. I'll practice more with Alex first then. And/or find someone in real life who does that.

I wish I could write something sensual, but my brain just goes [404 error] on me when I try. When there is signal, it's just the smell of living human bodies (various; Green smells a bit more muscle/organic-sour and Red is more like snow-sour and Leaf is more milky sweet because she has breasts and there's this faint smell of... you know... and she's just barely finished her menstruation). And for the shower scene, maybe of 2-in-1 shampoo and heated tap water, with that faint metallic taste and maybe fluorite. And wet bathroom floor tiles. And soap. And for the last scene, it's of the dampness of sheets in a cheap hotel, with spores of various fungus and mould. And dust, a lot of it. And the smell of grey-blue, whatever that one means. And that smell of boys when they are starting to get aroused. And the smell of their scalps. And of from their mouths (where Red's stinks of malnutrition and Green's stinks from not eating enough greens and Leaf's is still sweet from the sweets she just ate before going to bad and her teeth are starting to rot). They are all smells, and none of them very pertinent.

...wait a minute. I just described them. But what I meant is, I don't think I should go off describing all the smells because the average reader is a human who doesn't relay on the sense of smell too much? Losing the sense of smell is the least traumatising loss of sense, I have heard. I love going by smells and I see my inner worlds this way because of my experiences and my personality, but from what I've heard, most humans prefer sight and hearing.

[littlelinor]

... I always wondered that about the singular vs plural in groups in FRENCH tbh, I wasn't sure. As for English... well the verb form for third person singular and third person plural is the same so I doubt it makes a difference?

I know what you mean about smells. I have that with touch, my world comes mostly in shades of touch, physical sensation and hearing, but thankfully I've been able to make that readable.
How about trying to go around it using synesthesia? Like, start with building a very bare, ikea account of movements, then full in the sensations as you go. And "milky-sweet" might not be a USUAL description for touch but it could work--I often describe sounds or colors as textures. Or you can play a game of associations: start with the sense you're most familiar with, make a list of words describing the item in regards to THAT sense, very precisely, and then use word associations to describe other senses. For example, what does "sweet" translate to when you try to imagine a "sweet" touch or sound. Make a list of items that your brain asociates with "sweet" and then look at them factually, see what they are like.
It's a bunch of exercises, some might work and some not, but it can be a starting point to expand beyond your usual range of imagery.
... if I'm not making sense, ask and I'll try to expand on it.

[pseudogeek]

I'm re-reading old comments to aid my writing and I've just noticed that in English the verb for 3rd person sing. usually ends with an s and the plural is without s, so it's not the same at all?

Please expand on the idea of world perceived mostly through the sense of touch. A subjective memory is fine and in fact preferable.

(But do take care of real life issues first if you are still dealing with it. Has it resolved since your last news in the comment on Hamelin?)

[littlelinor]

... I'm not sure why I said they were the same, I was probably thinking of the past tense.

Okay so. This is kinda hard to explain because sometimes I really have to use the clichéed sixth sense analogy, but basically. I have a spacial sense. I feel distances, when I close my eyes and try to visualise a distance, I won't see it, I'll feel it. I'm not sure how to describe it, the closest I could get is that things around me have a different weight on my skin depending on size and distance. When I hold a sword above my head or behind my back, I don't need to look to feel exactly where the tip is. I never have trouble tying things behind my back, because even when I tie things in front of me I never watch what I'm doing. When I look for something in a bag, I never actually use my eyes, just my hands.
But it's not just relying on it. Expanding on the spacial sense, when I try to imagine a city for worldbuilding, for example, I'll have an intelectual knowledge of how it's build, etc, but my visualisation of it (I kinda hate that word, it's sight-focused and there's no real equivalent for the other senses) is tactile/immersive. I know how narrow or wide the streets are, what I'd touch if I extend my arms, how many steps I'd need to cross, I feel how far or tall the walls are. It's like I have this big 3D image in my head, but it's tactile. I AM NOT SURE HOW TO EXPLAIN IT.
And when it comes to imagery, emotions come in physical sensations, colors and sounds come in textures and heat levels. (A flute is generally velvet, brass instruments are like sharp stone at different temperatures, etc)
Oh, movements are also a big part of my perception and memory.
... I hope that helped, if you want more details on something...