Wow, thank you, this is exactly what I need. It must have taken you a lot of time to write this. And you're not harsh at all. You are pointing to the facts and addressing to them as what they are, or at least what you see, not as some who would just point at a passage, call it names and leave it. You've explained exactly why you think they are bad.
The '... .....' like language of Red wasn't unformed words, they were his own non-verbal language. It consists of mouthing silence and some other movements. I learned it from my parrot. I have decided to type it down as ellipses because describing the movements would drag the perceived time too long. I should have made this clear in the fic.
I tried to keep the ambience childish in order to convey that they are still children in a way, to create a sort of present-past overlap. However, it appeared that I have completed missed that, fell off a cliff and landed in a junk pile with a dozen of dislocations and broken bones. It's something that some had told me before, that I describe everything like naming a list of items placed on a table. It messes up the ambience by not just a little bit.
No, this fic wasn't one where I tried to explore depth, it was one where I tried to paint a crayon drawing of them. To do depth I must learn how to do subtle first.
Shift... I need to learn to work with that. It's strange how Terry Pratchett can make the readers know exactly there the divisions are despite not using visible spacing, dividers or even chapters. But he's a professional.
Re: Fittingly, I was listening to "Stray Italian Greyhound" when I saw this
The '... .....' like language of Red wasn't unformed words, they were his own non-verbal language. It consists of mouthing silence and some other movements. I learned it from my parrot. I have decided to type it down as ellipses because describing the movements would drag the perceived time too long. I should have made this clear in the fic.
I tried to keep the ambience childish in order to convey that they are still children in a way, to create a sort of present-past overlap. However, it appeared that I have completed missed that, fell off a cliff and landed in a junk pile with a dozen of dislocations and broken bones. It's something that some had told me before, that I describe everything like naming a list of items placed on a table. It messes up the ambience by not just a little bit.
No, this fic wasn't one where I tried to explore depth, it was one where I tried to paint a crayon drawing of them. To do depth I must learn how to do subtle first.
Shift... I need to learn to work with that. It's strange how Terry Pratchett can make the readers know exactly there the divisions are despite not using visible spacing, dividers or even chapters. But he's a professional.